Reminder

Amsterdam

Boredom

Lie

Fiction vs Reality

Perception

Influence

Memory

Experience

Horizon

.



I run back to look for you
but you are already gone



and I will not see you again




.

Michelle Grabner

An effective response sometimes demands a cliché.

Telling a lie is an act of sharp focus.

‘Just lie’ 

Work towards the ideal or towards misunderstood success. 

Joseph Beuys

Be aware if you are angry. Do whatever you think is necessary.

It is always nice to talk with siuai,

this high school friend I've known for 15 years. how many times we engaged in hours of conversations in the simplest place. I think in front of you I can be completely myself, completely

you were the first person I told about how me asking him to be my secret lover, you were the only person I can probably get most inspired about "being an educator", I slowly find my spirit for art-making again and really thank you for always being there for me. Really.

I loved how you comment 嘩你面皮咁厚去問佢做唔做得你個secret lover. haha I think the most beautiful thing is that in front of you I can present as honest, as transparent, never mind how you comment, I actually like how you comment - in a way I got to know myself even more.

you also mentioned about 我唔係黎教書我係黎教育, you got to be yourself, be true.. As she was so inspired by Joesph Beuys' quote "Being a teacher is my greatest work of art".  Treat teaching as my own work, not only the channel for earning some cash but actually embark an artistic development from the experience. In the end, art-making is about an life-long research and experiment. 

It is not about what you teach them but how the students can be inspired by you. Not a knowledge-based education but a spirit-based one. 

would really be a challenging year ahead. 

one more week to go then I will bombard myself with all new and exciting relationships and events. I am really blessed to have siuai to talk with. 

I got to learn to be way way way more critical than I currently am.

22082015 - I did not hear your voice.

I know he is great

But I start to feel numb

perhaps it's my bad condition

mental state

whatever it could be

I am not sure anymore

what's going on?

what was that that disappeared from me

that feeling

that sensitivity

that emotion

that energy

Fucking hell

what the fuck is happening

I look completely normal I know

from everyone else

but I know something is wrong

Last week I made my decision to go back

to China

the place where I experienced this emotion-peak

in my life

I met a lot of people

a lot of people who I will treasure

for the rest of my life

liming, lingling, laoban, xulei

I can never forget

xl yes.

I never really know myself very well

but one thing I can be sure is that

I will always, always

fall for the one

with a pair of amazing hands,

and heart.

xulei and matthias

you two have no idea how important you are to me,

what I've achieved with my hands,

have so much to do with what you,

about sensitivity,

feeling,

with you

I would even 過份地說聲

...I think I am in love with your hands

Summer says to Tom that from the guy she marries to,

she finds what she was never sure of with Tom,

and for me,

is that this sensitivity?

竟然
我會變得如此婆媽

這段才半年的關係

名義上的了段 距離上的了段 

二人卻還是念念心中的對方

臨回香港前單拖去國家公園露營

巧遇挺壞的天氣 又冷又濕

當然會有感格外孤單

借用公園的免費單車 

下雨天我騎得飛一樣的快

這種天氣 這種地方

讓我想起過往兩年工作過生活過的 far north 小鎮

在那個 boring town 我遇到了這個本應是最 boring (for me) 的人

一個和我有著 so much not in common 的 carpenter,

卻在幾個月的磨合產生了一段非常 intensive 的關係

Miranda July 在一本書提過,

她16歲的時候 跟一個囚犯 Franko Jones 通信了三年,

"It was exciting, I had to establish boundaries and explain who I was -

and really see, for the first time, just how different a life could be from mine. But we had things in common. We were both lonely. We both daydreamed a lot and felt real life was happening elsewhere. We both thought the other was exotic and treasured each other's letters and tapes, We both desperately wanted to be seen and understood."

讀著, 我發現我跟g 的共通點, 

跟 Miranda July 和 Franko Jones 其實也差不遠

騎著車 我看到

我們走過的郊外公園 

我們見過的動物

我們做過的夢

印象中我們去過的地方都是人煙稀少

那"在一起"的感覺很強

也許都是讓這半年的關係intensify的原因。

－

我回去 

其實真的想跟他道別

But he still read my unspoken request for an embrace.

And this I find it so difficult to ignore.

他不堅強 老是哭
不成熟 思想簡單
卻因為他的身體語言一次又一次讓我感動
是他過份煽情 我被騙了 還是我要的其實就是這一點？

Said and Done

(wij zitten in de auto)

A Big hand
on my lap


The definite hopelessness has left me with no tears,

I risk my ever-most tenderness

forcefully on you.

All the way to get dumped once again

have realized my tolerance and limit

exclusively for you.

The familiar temperature of your palm your skin,

felt and remembered.

temptation - indulgence - dream -
light and heavy

said, and done.